Our Perfect Little One,
God has been speaking to me again. So clearly that it’s overwhelming. More clearly, in fact, than He ever has in my entire life. God has been using this test of faith to grow me. He has been using this to draw me nearer to His presence. God has been using you as a way to allow me to feel His Spirit more evidently than ever before. For that, I will never cease to thank Him for you.
When I was young, I struggled with doubt in God’s promises. Actually, it’s something I’ve struggled with over and over again. Sadly, the things you struggle with typically don’t just disappear with age. Your struggles are always your struggles. Your doubts are always your doubts. Yet when I struggle with feeling like my life is falling apart, when I cry out to God for some kind of sign that things will get better, when I feel as though I will crumble to pieces if things don’t change, God draws near. At times of consuming doubt, He has still never failed to reveal Himself to me.
Yet this is something I find myself doing time and time again. Although God’s faithfulness has never failed me, although He’s never failed to give me promises to cling to, I still doubt, I still fear, and I still question. I realize now that my persistence to have God prove to me that His promises are true was a sign of my lack of faith. But just as Romans 3:3 says, our lack of faith will never nullify God’s faithfulness. And praise be to God for that. God remains faithful and gracious in continuing to send me signs that He will bring bring me to victory, even in spite of my lack of faith.
My faith wavers when things get hard, yet God continues to shower me with promises of His truth and love. Promises of His good and perfect plan, promises that this situation will be used for His good and glory in great and mighty ways, promises of hope and healing, promises of parenthood. Promises of you.
God has given me three promises to cling to. The first was through a person, the second, through a dream, and the third, through a sermon. Why God has believed me worthy of these promises, I’ll never know. What I do know is that I am in the middle of something greater than me. God is preparing me for victory. I am a testimony in the making. He is giving me a story that I can someday use to proclaim His sovereignty and glory to all those who will listen. He is preparing us to raise our family in truth and light. He is preparing our home to be one in which His name is praised and spoken of often. He is preparing us for you. And I cannot wait for that day.
These promises of you have come at times where I become consumed with the thought that you are something that might never happen for us. Times where I begin feeling as though maybe we we’re doing something wrong. In my doubts, as I cry out and question, even as I fail to turn to Him in prayer, He hears my cry. He hears my cry and He reassures me that He is still listening, even at times where I fail acknowledge His presence.
And when I’m broken and grasping for hope in the midst of sadness, when I’m struggling with crying out to God for healing, when I need to pray, but I can’t find the words, His help comes to me. He reminds me that it’s okay to cry out, it’s okay to be sorrowful, and it’s okay to lament. God wants us to cry out to Him for help. He wants us to pray to Him, and to pray specifically. He wants us to remember His truths, to use them for stability when our lives feel out of control. And He promises to come when we call. He will draw near to us and He will tell us not to fear. (Lamentations 3:57) I do not need to be afraid to share my deepest desires with my God. I do not need to be afraid to pray specifically. I can trust Him with my desires, knowing that He will take them, and He will transform them into something more vastly exquisite than I could have ever imagined. I don’t need to be afraid to pray to Him, and to pray to Him specifically, asking Him for my heart’s desire: you. Because I know that however and whenever you come to us will be perfect. It will be perfect, because it will be you.
I am choosing to cling to His truths in a time of sadness. I have learned that it’s okay that I don’t understand right now. Because He is in control. He has me in His arms. He has us all in His arms. Our family. God has promised me you, and I will believe in that. Because He is faithful and gracious and has allowed me to see the signs of His work in our lives, even at the times where I feel most distant. And I am choosing to believe in Him, now and always. Because you are with us, even now. And we will keep you in our hearts until we have you in our arms. Because you are ours, and you will always be. Our baby.
“I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the ones who seek Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” -Lamentations 3:24-26