This One’s For You
Whose hearts long for babies—
Who are parents without children to hold—
Who have bodies that don’t work the way they were intended to—
This is for you who’ve been told you can’t—
Who’ve experienced the horror of a doctor holding your test results in their hands while giving you numbers and percentages that strip you down until you’re no longer whole—
Who had to say goodbye to the idea of having a perfect mix of you and the one you love, who struggled to speak and stuttered through your questions and waited until you reached the parking lot to cry over losing something you never had—
This is for you who laid in bed for an entire day and watched the sun rise and set without moving, who was sent home from work because you burst into tears at your desk and couldn’t stop, who lost a week’s worth of sleep because you couldn’t keep your heart from pounding in your chest every time you remembered your doctor’s words—
This is for you who were pierced with needles, who had test after test after test, yet nothing ever changed, who had blood drawn and drugs prescribed and eggs gathered and ovaries studied, yet nothing ever changed—
Who tried this thing first, then this thing next, then this thing later, yet nothing worked—
Who experienced the hot flashes and the mood swings and the hormone imbalances and the weight gain and the upset stomach and the exhaustion and every other life-shaking, heart-aching symptom that comes with drugs and treatments, yet experienced no results—
Who held that pregnancy test so tight that your fingers cramped, who prayed with all your might that this one would be positive and then had to watch that tiny minus sign fade into view for yet another time while trying with all your might to keep from kicking yourself for taking one to begin with when you know better than to be hopeful—
Who convinced yourself that if you were anyone else on earth, this could happen for you, who’s been over in painstaking detail every piece of your life trying to find the place where you went wrong and screwed up enough to deserve this—
This is for you who can’t help but list all the things you’ll never get to experience, who had to watch a thousand tiny dreams you never knew you had slip away from you as you watch person after person effortlessly attain what you can’t—
Whose heart breaks with every new pregnancy announcement, who has to mentally prepare for the baby showers of your friends, who smiles and congratulates and compliments while dying a little inside every time—
This is for you who’ve had to watch your partners drown in grief while not knowing what to do or say to help—
Who can do nothing some days but sit beside them while they cry and try the best you can to not break down too—
Who can’t find the right words to say to make things right, who feels as though the person your partner was is gone and may never return—
This is for you who had to be tested too, who never knew finding out you were a factor in your partner’s inability to get pregnant could shake your confidence and strength, who suddenly feels incapable of providing for your family because you realize you can’t give your partner what they want most in this world—
Who is broken and lost and confused, because you can’t understand how you could be perfectly healthy otherwise, yet this one thing makes you feel sick and weak—
This is for you who lie together and give into the sadness and depression, who are tired of holding it together and are tired of trying to find a positive spin on things, who no longer have the strength to keep trying new things and exploring options, who just want to move on with your lives but you don’t know how—
This is for you who grieve the loss of a possibility, who have guilt over something that you can’t control, who feel like you should apologize for something that happened to you, who are ashamed of what your bodies cannot do, who don’t believe you’re as worthy of love as someone else with more to offer, who believes they can never shake the suffocating weight of a single word—
This is not your fault.
You have done nothing wrong to deserve this. You are enough. You are worthy. You are not broken. You are not alone.
Keep fighting and moving forward. Seek out the things that make you feel alive and keep them close to you. Take time to see the beauty in the world and don’t forget to give yourself credit for surviving. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are brave.
You are here. Thank you for continuing to move forward and breathe and smile even on the days you were sure you couldn’t.
You are not alone.